Jesus Hates Christian Rock Too.

Posted: May 27, 2007 in Culture, Music, Religion
Tags: , , , ,

I really miss the days when rock belonged to the Satanists.

My first experience with Christian rock was when I was about 12. My family and I were camping in New Hampshire (it wasn’t really camping, my mom just wanted an excuse to go shopping for Christmas ornaments in July.) and we pulled over at a gas station so everyone could use the washroom. I stayed behind and started spinning the tuner on the radio and as I went I heard a song that sounded pretty cool.

Now, it should be noted that at 12, I was not the suave, sexy, sophisticated god of all things pop culture I am today. At 12, the most controversial tape I owned was the “Foot Loose” soundtrack. That was hardcore for me. It is safe to say that I had not yet heard my first Top 40 countdown and, due to my mother’s absolutely retarded “French TV Only” rule, I had not yet discovered Much Music. (For you Americans, that’s like MTV but with music.)


So, using that paragraph as background, you can maybe understand how I was completely unprepared when, in the middle of a song that sounded exactly the same as all the music that served as the soundtrack to my frequent public beatings in Junior High, I suddenly heard the phrase “Jesus loves, Jesus saves.”

The song did not manage to convert me.

I felt tricked.

My next encounter with the rock of Jesus came two years later when, in the midst of my “Oh God I just want a girl to see through the pimples and the comic books and kiss me with some tongue” phase, I was talked into singing at my friend Susan’s church. This girl, who could best be described as Hobbit like, somehow managed to convince me to learn a song that I’m sure Jerry Falwell whistled to frequently, and sing it publicly in front of an Evangelical Mennonite congregation.

I did it because I thought it would mean I’d get to make out with Susan and, even though I did, I still felt tricked.

It has been 14 years since that day and, through a cunning strategy of wildly offending every devout Christian I come across, I have successfully managed to avoid any further exposure to music that features the words “Jesus”, “God”, or “Save yourself for marriage”. That is until 9 am this morning.

I live in a neighborhood best known for it’s Friday and Saturday night drunken, destructive loser demographic. As such I didn’t manage to get to sleep until well after 3 in the morning. I woke up six hours later to the sound of drums, electric guitar, base and about fifty people all cheering and clapping to the religious equivalent of Barney lyrics. “God loves me, God loves you. Etc.”

As it turns out I live across the street from (yay) an Evangelical congregation. They decided that the best way to bring new members to the flock was to prop open the doors to the church, turn up the loud speakers and hire a skeezy garage band to blare out Rhetoric in G minor. I was not amused.

Now let me be clear, I have lived in this neighborhood for a year. I have known that these people existed since pretty much my first weekend here. In the spirit of live and let live I have suppressed my natural urge to burst in, in the middle of a service and start speaking in tongues while running up and down the aisle naked. I feel I’ve been mature despite my aversion to all things superstitious and hypocritical. This, however, is the line. There is a time and place for loudly blared Christian Rock. It is not at 9 am on one of the only days I get to sleep in. The time and place for loudly blared Christian Rock is the American South at approximately five past never.

If they don’t have the good sense to close their doors in embarrassment while listening to shitty music then they can hardly blame me if, next Sunday, the parishioners sitting closest to the open doors find themselves being hit in the ass with rounds from the pellet gun I will buy next week.*

I’m not asking for anything difficult, all I’m interested in is preserving the peace. I would feel the same way if you were screaming irritating songs about the Easter Bunny.

Jesus Christ.

*Not an actual threat. Please don’t sic the Republican speech suppressors on me.



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