Archive for June, 2007

So, my biggest pet peeve in the last couple of weeks has been me.

Why, Jeebus, can’t I just fucking listen to what people tell me? Do I really need to be hit in the face with a sledgehammer before I get it?

I think that people tend to mythologize their own lives in ways that can ultimately prove dangerous when the veil is pulled back. We have a habit of trying to bend the universe and everyone in it to our will, which, while great for us, doesn’t do a whole lot for the people we claim to care about. I personally have an issue with trying to shove people into boxes that they have no chance of fitting in and then convincing them that it’s not really tight in there, they just need to lose some weight.

I had a dream last night; one I haven’t had since the last time I decided I was Master of the Universe in about 2001. It involves a friend dying in front of me in a variety of scenarios, each one seemingly preventable, but life saving solutions eluding me until it’s too late. Anyone who knows me knows I have a bit of a complex for saving people, when you start having dreams like this one though, it’s time to hang up the cape and little red booties.

All right Universe, I get it. My ends of June/Canada Day resolutions are these:

I WILL ONLY SURROUND MYSELF WITH PEOPLE I DON’T HAVE TO LIMIT OR STRETCH MYSELF TO GET ON WITH.

I WILL NOT, WILL NOT, TRY TO SAVE ANYONE BUT MYSELF.

I WILL STOP CARRYING ONE-SIZE FITS ALL PERSONALITY BOXES AROUND IN MY BACK POCKET.

I WILL EAT WAFFLES.

I sure hope I get this shit down before I turn 70.

Up, up and away.

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If you are a person who flinches at the mere mention of Descartes or who genuinely didn’t understand that Animal Farm wasn’t just a novelization of Loony Toons, I have some serious advice for you.

STOP

READING

THIS

RIGHT

FUCKING

NOW

For the rest of you, you’ve been warned. Yar, here there be philosophically pretentious mind fuckery.

So this weekend I smoked some great fucking pot with a really good friend and had one of those cliched conversations endlessly maligned in every movie or t.v. show ever made about stoners. Sadly, the fact that we were high didn’t, in any way, diminish the truth of what we talked about. In fact, two days later, my brain still feels like it’s being tickled in the clitoris. I am AWAKE people, and, for the first time in a long time, it almost feels like it’s on purpose. (more…)

In an addendum to the piece that started this blog in the first place……HERE is a link to the ultimate piece of Skull-Fuckery ever perpetrated by a studio against a private citizen.

Fox has actually had a theater chain fire someone for posting a negative review of Fantastic Four 2 under threat of pulling all future releases from said chain. People I’m asking you, begging you in fact, SHARE THIS LINK on your Facebook, your MySpace or your blog. Get this story out to as many people as possible so we, as a paying audience, can show Fox exactly what we think of this heavy handed, McCarthy era, blacklisting BULLSHIT come opening weekend.

It’s time to make these fuckers pay.

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Tim comes in, fists swinging, and angers me by trying to give away my lifelong dream. That’s right, I will be Batman when I grow up.

And get in shape.

And inherit a billion dollars.

Sigh. Oh well.

This time Tim has mercifully discovered the spell check on his Word, now all we have to do is show him how to use proper punctuation.

Hmmmmmmmm, stay tuned for my random sampling of 100 blogs and subsequent rant on the laziness of writers using the English language. Maybe.

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I hate the American Government.************* (read the bottom of the post now)

Not in a, “let’s overthrow it and replace it with something new” kind of way, but more in a “are you fucking kidding me? Where do they come up with this shit?” way.

When the PsTB (powers that be) decided that all international air travelers had to carry passports when either entering or leaving the U.S.A. I, much like everyone else, grumbled a little bit but ultimately decided that this was A Good Thing. After all, unless you’re Jason Bourne, the process involved in getting a passport is only slightly less complicated than your first attempt at a one handed bra removal. This was a reasonable step in securing North American borders from terrorist attacks.

The U.S. government’s decision this week, however, only underscores how clueless they are at determining what constitutes a threat to national security. Instead of passports, American citizens entering other NAFTA countries or returning to the U.S. only need to provide a piece of paper confirming that they’ve applied for a passport when crossing a port of entry. The reason cited for this is that the government is concerned about “potential chaos” at the airports. (more…)

So there I was, all depressed and lamenting the fact that I had nothing to write about, when, like manna from heaven, the Friday copy of the Edmonton Journal landed in front of me and rekindled my fiery rage of death.

I was so happy, back in March, when I read that the Associated Press would be applying a ban on all things Paris Hilton. My joy, however, was shattered when I realized that there was actually a huge demand for news about this whiny, useless, proudly anorexic waste of time, skin, and internet pornography space.

What’s fucking wrong with you people?

She hasn’t done anything to warrant this kind of fame. No significant acting or music credits, no adoption/purchasing of hungry babies from countries you’ve never heard of before, and judging from her really, really horrible sex tape, the girl doesn’t even know how to give good head . She’s just incredibly rich and incredibly stupid.

Is that all it takes now? A fat bank account and an IQ below 70 and we’ll all watch to see what comes of that horrible combination?

Yes. (more…)

A Dribble of Rage.

Posted: June 3, 2007 in Writing
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As promised, here is Giles’ piece on the mixed experiences of participating in a pyramid scheme. I cannot believe it’s been over a week and I only have two submissions to show for it.

For shame, people. I know you’re angrier than this.

Cheers.

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So, (cracks knuckles) where to start?

THE WEEK IN REVIEW (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!)

There were only a few things that happened this week that really stood out as truly fundamentally retarded bullshit. First and foremost was, of course, the evil of censorship on the internet, brought to you by Live Journal. My blog is still here though, so I can assume that most of us are safe for the time being.

The second thing, and I really should devote more space to this but I already did a piece on the evil oppressive non-smoker regime this month, was the arrival of the Gov’t of Alberta’s new Smoking Legislation. This glorious piece of morally presumptuous horse shit seems to be adopting the strategy of, “If we hide the cigarettes from the smokers, they’ll all die of withdrawal.” (sic)

I can assure you, PTBs, that forcing stores to hide the smokes behind a pretty curtain will not fool us. It will only make us angry. And-as anyone who has ever woken up beside one of us as we’re discovering that there is, in fact, no tobacco in the house has discovered-you wouldn’t like us when we’re angry.

No, as long as smoking is legal, we’ll find a way to get our fix, even it means rounding up every non smoker who’s recently quit, carving the still nicotine stained skin from their sanctimonious bodies and rolling it up in torn out Bible pages, then standing out in the cold smoking while we swear painful revenge against those who came up with this new doctrine of De-normalization. De-normalization being, of course, the idea that if you do everything in your power to sweep a group of people to the fringes of society they’ll eventually just disappear. We used to do this with gay people, it is now, apparently, more socially acceptable for me to get fucked in the ass by a tattooed midget while drunk on Absinthe (legal in Canada), then it is for me to enjoy my perfectly legal drug of choice.

Anyway, time enough for that later. My real beef this week was at the screening of Pirates 3 I attended Friday night. (more…)