Poo Tornado or: Why Movie Theaters Really Need to Install Interval Spray Air Fresheners.

Posted: June 3, 2007 in Random Thoughts

So, (cracks knuckles) where to start?

THE WEEK IN REVIEW (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!)

There were only a few things that happened this week that really stood out as truly fundamentally retarded bullshit. First and foremost was, of course, the evil of censorship on the internet, brought to you by Live Journal. My blog is still here though, so I can assume that most of us are safe for the time being.

The second thing, and I really should devote more space to this but I already did a piece on the evil oppressive non-smoker regime this month, was the arrival of the Gov’t of Alberta’s new Smoking Legislation. This glorious piece of morally presumptuous horse shit seems to be adopting the strategy of, “If we hide the cigarettes from the smokers, they’ll all die of withdrawal.” (sic)

I can assure you, PTBs, that forcing stores to hide the smokes behind a pretty curtain will not fool us. It will only make us angry. And-as anyone who has ever woken up beside one of us as we’re discovering that there is, in fact, no tobacco in the house has discovered-you wouldn’t like us when we’re angry.

No, as long as smoking is legal, we’ll find a way to get our fix, even it means rounding up every non smoker who’s recently quit, carving the still nicotine stained skin from their sanctimonious bodies and rolling it up in torn out Bible pages, then standing out in the cold smoking while we swear painful revenge against those who came up with this new doctrine of De-normalization. De-normalization being, of course, the idea that if you do everything in your power to sweep a group of people to the fringes of society they’ll eventually just disappear. We used to do this with gay people, it is now, apparently, more socially acceptable for me to get fucked in the ass by a tattooed midget while drunk on Absinthe (legal in Canada), then it is for me to enjoy my perfectly legal drug of choice.

Anyway, time enough for that later. My real beef this week was at the screening of Pirates 3 I attended Friday night.

Unlike every reviewer on the planet, all of whom seem to confuse detailed plot with “incomprehensible nonsense”, I actually dug this flick. I thought it actually redeemed the second film somewhat by giving it solid connective tissue to another movie in the series. I also thought it more fully lived up to what the first two movies were aiming for, the creation of an over the top, ridiculous, visually stunning, fantasy franchise. Kind of like Lord of the Rings, minus the 17 endings and the homo erotic* dwarf action.

The movie was ruined for me, however, by the one unavoidable constant present at every recent theater screening I’ve attended in the last couple of years.

You fucking people.

Somewhere along the road an entire generation of Canadians (we’ll call them the “look at me, look at me” generation) have decided that movie theaters are actually their own living rooms and have started behaving accordingly. The following is a list of behaviours that have become prevalent in our theaters and must be stopped, by death of patron if necessary.

1)Talking during the movie.
2)Throwing things at the screen.
3)Kicking the seat of the person in front of you so you can make your legs more comfortable.
4)Flashing laser pointers across the screen. ( I swear, if I ever find you, you little fuck, I will break every bone in your hand and then forcibly insert the laser into your pee hole.)
5)Putting your stank ass feet on top of the seat in front of you, even if someone is sitting in it.

Finally, the one sin that almost drove me out of the movie in pain:


Someone in the theater, I shit you not, was letting out rancid farts about once every ten minutes. Farts so powerfully rank, in fact, that I could hear groans of disgust coming from every corner of the theater and which resulted in some misguided soul trying to cover up the stench with some form of teen prostitute Chanel #5 knock off. Which, of course, only made the room smell worse.

If you’re so sick that you can’t stop shitting yourself, you have a social obligation to stay the fuck home so the rest of us don’t get infected as well.

I will say this once and then the gloves come off. If you can’t behave in public you will be sent to your room, probably with a broken nose and no supper. Your parents should have taught you this lesson years ago instead of telling you how “special” you were. If you can’t learn to treat the people around you with respect, do not be surprised when, in the middle of a conversation during the Transformers premiere, you get kicked in the back of the head and burned with my lit cigarette.

You have been warned. Now shut up and pay attention to the movie.

* I know, I know. I passively, aggressively gay bashed twice in this post. To all the gay, hobbit loving, Absinthe drinking midgets out there, I sincerely apologize. Unless you were the one dying inside Fart Man’s ass. In which case, fuck you, my smoke definitely smells better than you.




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