Cutting Through Your Bars or Crying For Your Daddy, 45, er 18 days in Paris.

Posted: June 10, 2007 in Culture, Media

So there I was, all depressed and lamenting the fact that I had nothing to write about, when, like manna from heaven, the Friday copy of the Edmonton Journal landed in front of me and rekindled my fiery rage of death.

I was so happy, back in March, when I read that the Associated Press would be applying a ban on all things Paris Hilton. My joy, however, was shattered when I realized that there was actually a huge demand for news about this whiny, useless, proudly anorexic waste of time, skin, and internet pornography space.

What’s fucking wrong with you people?

She hasn’t done anything to warrant this kind of fame. No significant acting or music credits, no adoption/purchasing of hungry babies from countries you’ve never heard of before, and judging from her really, really horrible sex tape, the girl doesn’t even know how to give good head . She’s just incredibly rich and incredibly stupid.

Is that all it takes now? A fat bank account and an IQ below 70 and we’ll all watch to see what comes of that horrible combination?


Thankfully, out of all this blatant stupidity has come something useful. There was enough anger stirred up over this weekend’s “Where in the world is Paris Hilton”, shenanigans that you people are once again talking about the concept of celebrity justice. Sadly, her quick return to semi-luxurious, “private” incarceration has placated all of you back into your vapid celebrity watching state. We’ve gone from, “how dare she get preferential treatment?!?!?” to, “Oh that poor girl, I can’t believe she hasn’t eaten or slept in 3 days. Maybe there really is something wrong with her. We should just let her out.”

You fucking assholes are missing the fucking point.

This bitch effectively broke out of jail and she’s still going to wind up serving less than half of her ridiculously short sentence.

That’s right. I said it. This was a JAIL BREAK.

Thing about it for a second. You or I get convicted of a crime and get sentenced to a jail term. Over the course of that term we find a useful tool. Let’s call it a steel file. We use this file to cut through the bars on our cell and, after bribing a guard to look the other way, we slip out the front door and head home. Later, after being apprehended, we will be sent back to jail, serving our full sentence and probably having some extra time tacked on for busting out because, hey, that’s a crime.

Paris Hilton found a tool. Now, whether she coaxed that tool into action with the power of her sharp, bony vagina or with promises of Daddy’s money, I can’t say. (Though based on the fact that everyone in the western world has already seen her fuck, badly, I’m going to guess that the transaction was probably financial.) She then convinced her tool that she should get to go home because she was “psychologically distressed.” She spent the next day humping her chihuahua or laughing at poor people with her equally retarded friend Nicole or doing whatever it is that rich, crazy bitches do after breaking out of prison. Finally, after being sent back, she will now serve 18 of her 45 days with no additional penalty for making a mockery out of the court system.

And, sometime in August, we’ll be back at it again, Paris arrested for drunk driving while Michael Jackson is found jerking off a Boy Scout in the backseat. And, of course there will be lot’s of pictures of Lindsey Lohan shitting out the passenger side window.

I don’t disagree on one point. Paris Hilton clearly has psychological problems, a fact her lawyer should have brought up when her plea was being determined. But really, can you imagine if a real criminal was released from jail because he was sad? Jail is supposed to be upsetting, it’s supposed to be a reminder that you fucked up and it doesn’t come up with a do over clause.

Fear not, though, gentle reader. I have a solution to the jack-assery perpetrated regularly on the justice system by smug celebrity convicts. From now on, all celebrity cases should be transferred to a venue like, I don’t know, the back woods of Mississippi. The defendants will be subjected to the only impartial jury that exists for them in North America. Inbred, pig fucking, dropped out after Grade 1 illiterates, who don’t own televisions.

Someone pass me a banjo and a shotgun, justice is served.



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