Happiness Isn’t A Check You Can Wait To Cash Later

Posted: September 24, 2007 in Random Thoughts
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I’ve been trying to figure out lately just what is exactly that makes me happy.

Not, as you’d probably guess, because I’m terribly unhappy (read emo), I’ve already shaved off my beard and Emo Jules is long gone. And not (and if you’ve read my last few posts you’ve definitely had enough of this) because I’m doing more self aggrandizing soul searching.

No, I’m trying to figure out happiness because so many of my friends are struggling to find some of their own. Watching them flounder around hopelessly while making mind numbingly stupid life decisions is starting to drive me batshit.

Let me state here for those of you who may be wondering; SELF HELP BOOKS ARE NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER!

One of these friends (who shall remain nameless despite the near impossibility of her reading this. After all, this blog is not found in the same section of Chapters that houses The Secret), let’s call her Princess Monkey Slut, has actually allowed her quest for greater happiness to put her and her roommate at risk of murder, rape, theft, and eviction all in the last 72 hours. How, you might ask? Her two greatest loves (besides her reflection) are wine and sex and she justifies her dependence on one by her indulgence in the other. Don’t get me wrong, I also love sex and alcohol, HOWEVER, I don’t bring strange men to my home and allow them free reign of my apartment in the morning because I’m too drunk to see them out. (deep breath)

Now, this, otherwise harmless, night of debauchery has cost PMS desperately needed rent money, the positive feeling her roommate had from being safe in her own home as well as the respect of said roommate. All in the name of “doing what makes me happy”. It may sound like I don’t like PMS too much but I really, really do. I’m just furious that her search for getting her happy on has put both her and my friend living with her, at risk.

It cannot be this fucking complicated.

About 2000 years ago, a homeless, peacenik, longhaired hippy with a foot washing fetish got nailed to a tree for suggesting that maybe we should try and get along for a change. You know, recognize that we have more in common with each other than not and just fucking relax. You may have heard of this guy, he went by the handle of Easter Victim….er Bunny.

A lot of truly horrendous acts have been carried out in Christianity’s name, which is one of the prime reasons I’d rather chew off my own testicles than step inside a church. What I’ve never understood is how the basic message of the faith has gotten so lost. In the Sermon on the Mount (arguably one of the most beautiful pieces of literature in this or any other language) He Who Has Been Constantly Misunderstood pretty much lays out the road map to happiness. And the most important rule? The Golden Rule? Not the Incredibly Tarnished Lead Coated Pointy Rule?

BE FUCKING NICE TO EACH OTHER! (the author acknowledges that this may or may not be paraphrasing)

Maybe everyone just got confused because JC was usually so reliable in his use of metaphor and parable that the one time he’s actually directly quoted in the Bible people thought he couldn’t possibly be serious.

And here we are, 2000 years later and we’re still struggling. We still kill, rape and steal from each other. We still judge and hurt each other with stupid, childish mind games. And we still, even as we’re desperately searching for it, run so far away from happiness that it becomes as invisible as a dog lost on prairie plains.

So here’s my back to school present to all you miserable kiddies struggling to find the keys to the kingdom. If you have accomplished the following, relax. Don’t get lazy mind, don’t use this as an excuse to assume you’ve got nothing left to accomplish and don’t, for the love of Easter Bunnies everywhere, hold your happiness over anyone else’s head. However, if you have accomplished the following count yourself luckier than most and show a little gratitude.

Without further ado; here is the Julian Finn* certified definition of happiness.

Whatever it is you do for a living, whether you’re a ditch digger or a corrupt C.E.O. when you get home you have;

1) A warm meal to eat, a warm bed to sleep in and some form of living thing to hang out with.

2) Some form of mental stimulation, be it a hobby, a book, a t.v. show or just staring at the wall being grateful that once again the universe makes sense and that is in fact a wall you’re staring at.

3) At least one friend you can communicate in some way with.

4) AND THIS ONE IS FUCKING CRUCIAL: Someone in your life who’s grateful to have you in theirs.

Simple right? Eat well, get rest, open your fucking brain and find someone to love and be loved by. And that last one isn’t as hard people make it out to be, love comes in many different shapes and sizes it’s just really fucking important to realize that, whatever form it takes, if someone loves you, that’s enough. Just accept it and don’t fucking kick it in the face because it wasn’t what you were looking for. Sounds kind of like that Golden Rule way up there on the mountain, huh?

Now get the hell out of the Self Help section and don’t let strange men in your house.

* The author would respectfully like to suggest that, if there are any Roman Centurions wandering the Net who absolutely must nail someone to a tree, the person they are looking for is actually Julian Random Fish Apendage, not Julian Finn. Sorry for the confusion.

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