Blithering Blubbering Boomers or; Find Your Own Seat Gramps, I Don’t See A Cane.

Posted: February 17, 2009 in Culture, Media

As promised, zero religious content in this post 😀 (probably)

I hate the elderly. Generally. I’m not talking about the very very old, they’re kind of cute, in a way too tall toddler way. I’m talking more about the 60-70 crowd. The ones who think they know everything because they were alive when racism was still kinda cool.

To clarify, I really hate everyone. I’m a 30 year old white male; that makes me, just by breathing, the very antithesis of the politically correct movement. Rather than fight it, I embrace my unwanted, genetically stereotyped, attitude of death and, instead of pointing it any specific ethnic group (like so many of my sheet wearing brethren of the deep south who don’t realize that, as well as wearing white after labor day, they’ve accidentally adopted a horribly unsupportable life philosophy)I just kind of beam it over everyone and everything.

But now, especially, I’m beaming fiery death at you, Boomers.

So, I live in Alberta. For those of you not local to the Canadian hinterlands, Alberta is a mini fascist blemish on the face of our mostly (presumably) democratic nation. There hasn’t been a change in ruling party here in about 30 years, mostly because, I think, Albertans equate anything not conservative as being EVIL and QUITE POSSIBLY TRYING TO DRILL US IN THE ASS FOR OIL. Top on my current list of things I hate is the Albertan government and the fine folks who keep voting for the status quo. Imagine my delight then, when I read an article detailing the government’s plan to kick any senior earning over $21k a year off medication subsidies.


Ok, before you send your grandma to my house armed with an angry buffet table, let me explain why this is a good thing.

Once upon a time, there were more tax paying employees than retirees. In fact, once, if you planned on living after you stopped working, you had to save your own money to do it. Then a little border skirmish called WWII happened and you know what? We won!!! So all of the brave young men who’d spent the last 4 years fighting came home, flushed with the joy of having defeated a truly evil military machine and its generals and proceeded to bend over and hump pretty much any mammal with a vagina. Because war makes us horny. (True fact, there are studies. Take your girlfriend to a movie that has a little bit of blood in it and I guarantee you get laid harder that night then if you watched Confessions of a Shopaholic.)

Apparently being exposed to Nazis is not the same as being exposed to radiation, so the horny young men were also flushed with an abundance of sperm. And that’s the story of how the stork had to retire and hire Fed Ex to assist in delivering the largest population spike in human history. Ah, Boomers, there you are. You’re soooooo cute.

Amongst their other sins (which I’ll catalog a little further down) the boomers decided to be cautious when it came time to pop out their broods.

“I need to go to school for another 10 years first,” they said.

“I’d like to explore my sexuality by banging my neighbor’s wife and sister first,” they said.

“The world is a terrible place to bring a child into,” they said.

Long story short, they didn’t do their goddamn job and they failed to replace themselves adequately.

Fast forward to now. Unlike when the Canada Pension Plan was born (and we had 10 employees for every retiree) we now only have two employees for every retired person. That means the old fart who made you give up your seat on the bus? I own half his bus pass and you own the other half. (You, the individual person reading this.) That’s a huge fucking burden to dump on us and will, just you wait, require higher taxes to be levied against us to compensate for the maintenance of their lifestyle.*

So, because the boomers didn’t learn from their parents example and have lots and lots of unprotected sex (though enough to spread the fucking HIV, apparently) we’re already stuck bankrupting ourselves to pay for their upkeep for the next thirty years or so. Thank you, life elongating medical marvels of the 21st century. When you add in extra government subsidies, also paid for by you and me, it starts to feel a little like we’re being asked to pay for our parent’s greens fees. And, the provincial conservatives, being you know, fiscally conservative, have finally acknowledged this. If you make double the poverty line income, you don’t get to stand in line for government cheese. Simple.

But nay, it’s never that simple. The seniors are up in arms.

“How dare the government attack us?” the ask.

“You’re obligated to help us,” they scream. (Though that sounds suspiciously like communism and I’m pretty sure you were against that.)

“Now our life elongating, medical marvel medicine will cost us thousands a year instead of hundreds,” they whimper. “Wait, what’s my name again?”

The things is, if you need something, and you can afford to pay for it, you’re kind of required to pay for it. I have no problem with subsidizing the needs of those who fall under the minimum income bracket, that’s what social assistance is for; but you whiny, arrogant, assholes who drag your feet on every political issue that promises positive change because you liked things better the old way and can afford to pay to keep yourselves alive? Fuck off.

Now, I’d like to make a distinguishing point here. The ones who aren’t boomers. The ones who fought in WWII or stayed at home to keep society and the war effort afloat. If we were talking about you in this category, I would have a different tone. You truly were the greatest generation and what we owe you can never be repaid. But, sadly, most of you are as dead as disco; you missed the meds, and we’re flat out not talking about you. We’re talking about your progeny. And you know what, what the hell were you thinking when you raised these people anyway? The greatest generation produced the generation that gave us:

b)Cocaine abuse (see hippies)
d)Mandatory minimum drug sentencing (see yuppies, and yes, you people are responsible, you voted for Reagan)
e)Pop Psychology
f)Self Help books as a sustainable industry
g)Political correctness
h)Political Corruption (Yes it existed before you, but you perfected it)
i)The single most ridiculous impeachment in the history of Presidential Politics (Bill got laid, George murdered, through proxies, a whole lot of people. Remind me, which one got impeached?)
j)The doctrine of “Everyone is special.” (See my link here to get an idea of the fallout from that particular nugget of wisdom. )
l)The Christian Right.

There are more, but I think you get the point. Do you see anything useful on that list? Bottom line, if you can afford it and you belong to the generation that gave us the list of headaches above, you get sweet fuck all from me. Don’t write to the paper saying I owe you something, as far as I’m concerned you’ve lived long enough already and….

Wait, there is one useful thing the Boomers have given us; Blue Cross Insurance. For fuck’s sake, cancel your cable and move that seventy bucks over to an insurance policy. Why the hell are you asking me to help? Assholes.

Jesus Christ. (Fuck, I almost made it. :D)

*And the reason they’ll get those taxes raised? The boomers outnumber all the rest of us three to one; when it comes to a voting block we may as well be fighting Mothra.


  1. Anna Lefler says:

    Go, Julian! *snort* This is awesome! Love your blog…:^) Anna

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