Crap Watch Vol 1. Issue 1. or; Homicide by Celluloid

Posted: February 26, 2009 in Media
Tags: , ,

Grrrr.

Not two days have gone by. Two lousy, stinking, itty bitty days since I railed against the injustice of an entertainment industry populated exclusively by talentless hacks who delight in raping the cinematic clouds of nostalgia that permeate the memories of my childhood. And in that time, my enemies (k,maybe not my enemies since they don’t actually know who I am and are therefore probably not doing this to me specifically. But still. Grr, aargh)have launched a return salvo against me.

Based on the success of the Friday the 13th opening weekend (and to all of you who went to see it, I will find you, and I will scream impotently at you. Grr, aargh. If you can’t tell, I’m super stoked that Joss Whedon has a new show on the air. :D)the PsT.B.(Powers that Be) in Studio Land greenlighted three fabulous new and shiny remakes today.

Grrr Fucking Aargh.

Crap Watch is not going to be in the vein of my usual rants; rather, as cinematic muggings occur, I’ll tabulate them here and tell you why I think they’re a bad fucking idea. So without further ado; I give you Crap Watch’s first list:

DA DA DA

1)The Neverending Story: It ended.

I read this book when I was in Grade 4, 3 years after I’d seen the movie, and let me tell you, it was my first experience finding out how vast the difference between literature and the novels based on said literature usually was. But both media had similarities; the primary one being that “The Neverending Story” fucking very well did end. And I was pissed. I always hated when movies or books were over; I knew it meant it was time to return to the real world, which, even at 9 sucked severe balls for me. Remember any popular kids who read books in elementary school? Yeah, me neither. But here, I thought, finally was (based on the bloody misleading title) something that wouldn’t lift me into the clouds only to dump me, two hours later and heartbroken, into the waiting arms (fists) of The Nefarious Jared. (Side note, I ran into T.N. Jared a few years ago. Nice guy, bald; fat, and lisping, but not at all nefarious seeming.) But it ended, illusions were shattered, Jared noogied, and I learned the valuable lesson that titles don’t mean shit. (Flowers in the Attic? Not, as it turns out, about gardening in poor lighting conditions. Guh.)

A couple of years later, there was a sequel (starring the soon to be famous and soon after that, dead, Jonathan Brandis) and then another sequel, and then an ill advised attempt at a T.V. show, and then, finally, it was over.

I loved the story of Bastian, the plucky young bullied boy who wins the geek lottery and gets whisked off to fantasy land to save the day and get the girl and ride on the back of a giant Luck Dog…er Dragon, I really did.

When I was five.

It doesn’t need updating, it doesn’t have some new current context that will allow it to say fresh and exciting things, it just needs to die. Please. For the love of Atreyu, just let it die.

Wait, read that above description again. Minus the fluffy dragon, doesn’t that sound a lot like The Forbidden Kingdom? And really, if you think about, Jet Li was sort of the Luck Dragon in that movie. SEE! SEE! It’s already been remade and it did shit at the box office.

Moving on.

2)Total Recall: I don’t know. If this is a vehicle to get Arnie out of politics and back into the movies where he belongs, I’m all for it. First, I’m not ready for an Austrian President; I grew up on horror stories of the last time an Austrian ran anything that wasn’t Austria. Second, I miss Arnie. So, for him, I would give this a pass. But, if it’s not, please please please, Studio Execs, listen to me carefully.

YOU CANNOT FUCKING REMAKE A MOVIE WHOSE ENTIRE APPEAL IS BASED ON PLOT TWISTS, MYSTERIES AND GUESSING GAMES WHEN MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO SAW IT THE FIRST TIME ARE STILL LIVING AND ALZHEIMER’S FREE.

If the point of the pointless remake is to capitalize on the nostalgia of the built in audience, you don’t make movies that they’re definitely going to pass on, on the grounds that they already know exactly what’s going to happen. We all still fucking remember that Marshall Bell had that weird psychic puppet buried in his chest. IT’S NOT GOING TO SURPRISE US, SO WE’RE NOT GOING TO PAY TO SEE IT FOR MORE THAN TRIPLE THE COST OF THE FIRST TIME!

Asshats. Sigh

And finally:

3)Arthur: No, not a movie about King Arthur. Even though we’ve already seen a bozillion of those, I will still pay to watch everyone that get’s released. As long as Kiera Knightely plays Guinevere. Forever. No, this was Arthur, starring Dudley Moore. I can’t bear to tell you this myself, so here’s the synopsis, courtesy of IMDB:

“Arthur is a happy drunk with no pretensions at any ambition. He is also the heir to a vast fortune which he is told will only be his if he marries Susan. He does not love Susan, but she will make something of him the family expects. Arthur proposes but then meets a girl with no money who he could easily fall in love with.”

Does that sound like something that should be remade?

This turd sat in our Beta collection for a decade and I never got all the way through it. And just so you understand, when I was a kid I loved EVERY movie. All of them. I sat through Fantasia for fucks sake. I watched Twelve Angry Men in black and white when I was ten and didn’t hate it. I watched Crocodile Dundee II, 16 times. This movie I couldn’t get through once.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong, but when Arthur is your pitch for a $20 million remake project, maybe it’s time to cut off your own balls and stuff them in your mouth.

Or, like the sub-title of this piece says, I’d be more than happy to come down there and do it for you.

Until next time Crap Watchers.

Unless they announce a remake of Romancing the Stone. If that happens I’ll just douse myself in gasoline and take my chances in a godless universe. I can’t handle anymore Michael Douglas or Danny DeVito in this lifetime.

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