Archive for July, 2010

Three years ago I went on a crime spree.

It started with a simple mugging; a cab driver. I pistol whipped him in the head from the backseat of his car and bolted with his money clip.  The police became involved rather quickly and, in order to escape, I shot a couple of officers; young guys, just out doing their job. Staying on foot wasn’t an option; I could hear sirens in the distance. I ran up to a car stopped at a traffic light, pulled the driver side door open, and dragged the poor bastard behind the wheel to the street. Getting into his seat, I kicked him in the jaw to stop his blubbering before slamming the door, gunning the engine and then blowing through the red.

I drove for hours, stopping only to steal gas once from a fat, pedo looking fuck manning a Pump Stop and then, in a fit of blood lust that would make Wyatt Earp nod in approval, I started shooting randomly out my window. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.



And believe me when I tell you, if any of this had happened in the real world, I would probably feel at least moderately terrible about it. But it didn’t. (more…)


It’s far easier for an astronaut to impersonate a caveman than vice versa.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that a caveman would kill and eat the astronaut before he ever had the chance.

Anonymous Geek

I heard a “reporter” refer to the San Diego Comic Con yesterday, as a “former geek fest.” Once my initial blaze of fury subsided (and that took an unhealthy amount of revenge fantasy mental imagery) I had to grudgingly admit that she might have had a point. Somewhere along the way geekdom has become absorbed into the mainstream and, with a little logical tap dancing, it’s not hard to draw a firm link between this fact and the erosion of all that is right and good and true in the universe.

First, let’s use simple math to define some terms.

Nerds≈Geeks ¬ Geeks≠Nerds (more…)

I’ve written before about my concerns for the next generation; how we’re failing them, and how we’re giving them excuses to fail us. This, however, has come to a head recently with my discovery of two pieces of information:

1) I live in a province that…

Wait, let me back up a minute and explain how I got here.

A couple of days ago my fiancée found out that, due to her age, our daughter will be held back next year in her dance class. The point she made, quite rightly (they call me Mellow Yellow), was that if the dance school had known she was too young to be in that class this year, why did they allow us to essentially waste a year’s worth of tuition just so they could charge us again?

Silly Rabbit.

After hours of weathering the rage and threats of recrimination of a dance mom scorned, I finally got a word in.

“What if,” I asked, oh so foolishly, “this is a good thing?”

“What do you mean?” Dangerous casualness masked a veiled death threat.

“Well,” I continued, unaware of the peril I was in, “I said last year that I thought she was too young to start dance. Maybe it’s a good thing she’s being held back; she might retain more of the basics this way and be a rockstar next year.”

Circumstances required that I immediately duck to avoid being impaled by the Nuclear Javelin of Maternal Pride, which tore a gaping wound in the wall behind me. (more…)

At the time of this writing, I am currently involved in no less than ten conversations. No, not with my other personalities.

On Twitter.

I am not what would normally be described as an early adopter. I bought my first computer after the Y2K scare (heh), my first Playstation after the PS2 was already making creaking noises and as for my first iPod, well, let’s just say that the Apple “geniuses” snicker at me every time I bring my iPhone 3G in for repairs (I bought it six months ago). I, typically, have to be dragged kicking and screaming, along with the rest of the Neanderthals, into each new shimmering technological dewdrop as though the dew in question was made of Sarin gas.

And yet, I can find almost none of my friends™ (friends™ used here to describe either people who invite me to play Mafia Wars no matter how many hundreds of times I’ve declined, or that nice Russian lady who keeps emailing me to ask if I’ll please marry her and provide the 50000 rubles required for her to immigrate to Canada) using Twitter which, in my humble opinion, is the greatest thing to happen to the Internet since…well, since the Internet.

A little background. (more…)